need another drink. this is the easiest way
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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