This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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