Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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