i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
