My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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