i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
