Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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