I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
