I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Found the puke drawer
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Randomize
