get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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