heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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