so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
