im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
