Don't you send me to vm
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
