Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
