She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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