Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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