i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
