The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
