a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
