I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
why is half of my head shaved?
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