my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
