you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
