Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
