she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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