I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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