Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
