hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
