Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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