So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
