that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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