i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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