the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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