Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
