giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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