I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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