Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
