I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize