remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize