y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
