I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
