I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
