the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
