She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
