where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
