So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
