No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
