im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
