I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
