its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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