mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
