If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
