So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
