So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
