So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
