I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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