Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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