shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize