Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
